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By Lee Nan-hee
When the wind blows, I think. When the cool breeze touches my cheek. When trees are dark green, I feel comfortable in their shade. I think about my life and this world. When the sky is crystal-clear and deep blue without any blemishes, I can hear sparrows chirping and singing, I think about yesterday, today and tomorrow.
I used to feel unhappy and unpleasant, finding fault with people as well as myself. Due to this or that reason I used to grumble a lot. I even brought back things from the past on the pretext of elucidating in detail, figuring out what had gone wrong. I was quite absorbed in the negative aspects of my life and this society. I was not wise nor was I smart. Since I grew up, in the place of my father and mother, I brought someone, a so-called significant other, and put the other in that integral place.
At the time, I enjoyed doing so. Then as time went by I found some negative aspects and disappointing points of that other. I would abandon and throw the person away. I would feel sad, not content. I felt sorry that I had no significant other at all who would always accept, love and take care of me like my father and mother. The story goes on, it keeps repeating. I would try to find the other significant Other. It seemed to be a never-ending journey. But at the same time, it was a very tiring and arduous journey in my life.
But the truth is that in that place only the absolute being, God could have sat. Even to this God, I would have complained from my human point of view. There must be no existence at all that is perfect, complete and infallible.
While living my life, trying to find someone to lean on, to figure out the true meaning of life, time has flown. I reached my 50s. In recent times, I have been thinking that I want to be wiser and smarter, not wasting my precious life. That is to say, I want to be grateful for and happy in my life and this world, although I may be disappointed, hurt or even upset a bit by someone that I trusted, like my parents. For all the good, abundant things that I have blissfully received and enjoyed during my life, I can be thankful for and joyful for my life and this world. I want to change my attitude and my mindset.
I was the kind of person who was easily affected by external circumstances, and who was quite sensitive, even nervous in some situations. I would be often shaken, trembling, influenced and hurt by negative things. Being steadfast and being steady was quite hard for me. Who am I? What do I do in my life? Why and how should I live? All these questions constitute my identity. When my identity is firmly built, I will never be shaken or tremble easily by outer circumstances. There were times when my identity was not firmly secure, thus I was not confident in myself. I was at a loss. I want to leave that past. Let bygones be bygones.
No matter what may happen to me, I can keep my happiness and joy, and not be easily affected by those insecurities. No matter who may offend me or be unfriendly, jealous, envious of or even hostile to me, I will not respond to the person with anger, jealousy, envy or narrow-mindedness and intolerance. Although it might take some time for me to train myself in that manner, it will be a fruitful and pleasant way to live. Above all, I will try to like and love others as well as myself, smiling and laughing a lot. That would be real success as R. W. Emerson wrote in his poem.
Lee Nan-hee studied English in college and theology at Hanshin University.
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