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Again, for the uninitiated, "wack" is an American urban expression meaning "uncool."
I had a grand Thanksgiving last year in Tokyo, Japan, attending my good friend's formal wedding reception.
Said friend's Japanese husband invited his childhood friends to the wedding reception. Some came without gifts. One of them received nearly $400 as a wedding gift from the Japanese husband, including a $70 entrance fee to his wedding reception. (My good friend's wedding reception was free). This same childhood friend gave the couple barely $100. Breathtaking.
I try to be a good giver of gifts. (I gave a nice wedding gift, by the way). I'm single and gainfully employed, so thoughtful gifts seem appropriate. I don't expect the same or any gift, really, in return. But "reciprocity" does mean something in friendships, as in any relationship.
Most of my Korean friends are thoughtful this way. Some of my American friends are; some could use a refresher course on etiquette:
A few years ago, I sent a large bouquet of flowers to one of my college friends for her marriage and recent childbirth. About a month went by, and finally, I asked did she ever receive anything, and she replied, "Oh yes. I forgot to say thanks. Sorry."
A simple and timely "Thank you, Deauwand," was all I wanted, mainly to make sure the flowers arrived undamaged and beautiful.
A former friend of mine, the one I mentioned last I wrote on this subject, was at a dinner I was invited to. I had no idea until arriving at the station the former friend would be there.
After dinner, the guests began to sit down in the living room to watch TV. I went to the living room and sat first, and a few minutes later, forgot to charge me phone. I got up to do so. Said friend sat down directly in the seat I'd occupied not moments before, and says to no one in particular, but clearly to me, "I'm going to sit in my usual seat."
Now, of course, she wanted a reaction. I ignored her at dinner and afterwards. Did she expect we'd go to fisticuffs over a couch, in someone else's house? Not I. In polite society, we don't sit in a seat another's occupied not two minutes earlier to get a rise out of them.
I realized at that very moment: she, then, is truly lost. How low, how trashy, how petty and small in her girth has she become. Heartbreaking, really, considering how we were such close friends. Ah, but I cared for her more. This is how all conquering occurs: one will supersede the other. Barbara Kingsolver teaches us this. Bitterly ironic, too, a friend she and I mutually agreed was exceedingly horrible to the root, she keeps in contact with to this very day.
Further, the host of this party, a spinster with a large and unwarranted ego, has since taken sides with her. A Japanese-American, one should never trust people who find their own race unattractive. Intelligence, though, isn't expected from those of Arizona's public institutions of higher learning.
I say that which I have said before: adulthood is high school with all the responsibility and none of adolescence's innocence and parental care. Kindness is perceived as weakness or worse, obligatory.
I am confronted with this moral dilemma: kindness is done for its sake, not for reward. Yet, is it wrong to expect some loyalty from the ones we like and love, some reciprocity? I'm not sure of the answer. I do know I can count the number of friends from the States who've ever asked me if I needed not so much as deodorant.
There are so many examples of wack friends I haven't written here for length, and also courtesy. Further examples include: folks waiting months to apologize; folks never liking your posts on Facebook, whilst you always like theirs; never initiating, late, or non-replies to text messages; habitual tardiness at events, particularly where other people are involved; forever dominating conversations; injecting religion and politics into casual conversation, etc.
Socrates teaches us: an unexamined life is not worth living. Thinking people should necessarily engage in serious introspection. We're all invariably flawed. The difference between me and some others is: I believe in the dismantling of the ego. I embrace confronting my flaws and readily, sincerely apologize when necessary. These are tenets my parents instilled in me from an early age: admit failure; apologize; and sincerely attempt to ameliorate transgressions.
One of my former friends said, "People suck. The end." Tragic, she's one of those people.
I will add one more thing … I used to say women are better people than men. They read. They are more emotionally available and loyal. I think I'm still right, just not as much as before.
Deauwand Myers holds a master's degree in English literature and literary theory, and is an English professor outside Seoul. He can be reached at deauwand@hotmail.com.
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