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| Miracle the dog / Courtesy of Rachel Stine |
By Rachel Stine
"Miracle's acting weird. You think I should take her to the vet?"
I was at the home of two friends ― a couple that lived in a seaside apartment. We sat in front of their PlayStation 5, surrounded by beer cans and a mountain of fried chicken.
"What do you mean, weird?" the younger one asked.
I mashed the buttons on my controller. "I dunno. Not eating? She's just weird."
"Maybe she's stressed because of the move."
After so much reflection on the Olle Trails, I decided to return to Seoul to transition my career away from teaching. When I started packing our stuff into boxes, Miracle's eyes bulged out of her skull. Moving made her anxious.
In fact, everything made her anxious. This was the same dog who had panic attacks when I took our quilts to the laundromat.
Hairless except on her head and her feet, Miracle reminded me of a goth ballerina. A lady in Madison Square Park once described her as "dainty, with that little tail that flies out like a flag." I adopted her from the city pound in Harlem my senior year of university, and by 2022, both of us had passports stamped all over.
Miracle's medical problems started at age 10. She developed liver disease and had to be put on a low-protein kibble, which she initially refused to eat. Eventually, though, she came around, and with twice-daily medication, she was soon barking at Jeju's cows again.
I didn't think much of it when she started eating less. She hated hepatic kibble. She hated moving even more.
Convinced she was just stressed, I decided to take her to our regular vet when we touched down in Seoul. But Mama Universe had other plans.
Miracle died in the winter of 2022, on Jeju Island.
As she languished in Jeju University Animal Hospital, hooked up to IV drips as her liver failed, my former roommate, Aaron, flew in from Kyoto to help. He did dishes. He got groceries. We cried a lot.
And around 4 p.m. on Dec. 16, doctors wheeled Miracle into a garden on a stretcher. Wrapped in my winter coat, breathing in the scent of frozen soil and dried-out leaves, she passed away under a tree.
A part of my identity died with her.
I had always planned to have Miracle's body cremated, but after hiking Olle Trail 15-A, I changed my mind. I instead called a farmer and asked if he would allow us to bury her on his property. He agreed, and Aaron and I were instructed to keep her body in the freezer overnight, mask up, and be prepared for burial the next afternoon.
The old farmer arrived in his rusted-out pickup. The ground was covered in snow, and we had to be careful of black ice as we loaded her casket into the trunk. Then, we drove through the winding olle to her final resting place.
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| Coastal scenery on Jeju Island / Courtesy of Rachel Stine |
I could write about how strange it was, not hearing the tip-tap of Miracle's nails on my kitchen floor. I could write about how I still wake up, and in that split second between sleep and consciousness, reach for her. I could write about how she was buried under a baegilhong tree, which will bloom with pink blossoms for 100 days each summer.
But I don't need to explain.
All over the world, for thousands and thousands of years, human beings have felt this same pain ― the pain of knowing your dog is dead.
On the day I left Jeju, I sat in the airport alone. Staring into the rain and fog, I watched as my Seoul-bound plane taxied towards the gate. My grip tightened on Miracle's collar. I had it buckled around my wrist like a bracelet.
"I know you'll miss her," Mama Universe whispered. "Come back and visit soon."
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 1 How hiking Jeju's 437km of trails changed my life
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 2 Fighting agrarian anxiety attacks on Jeju's paths
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 3 Carrying a grandma through Yaksu Station
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 4 Going full white lady in the woods
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 5 Getting ice cream and umbrellas from strangers
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 6 Discovering deer carcasses at the tea museum
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 7 Healing perfectionism on Pyoseon Beach
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 8 Confronting OCD in Woljeong-ri
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 9 Reading a poem about death in the woods
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 10 Confronting the subconscious saboteur
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 11 Worrying about comments section chaos
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 12 Saying goodbye in Gueok-ri
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 13 Walking back, fast or slow
Rachel Stine has volunteered in the North Korean human rights sphere for over a decade. Her writing has appeared in The Huffington Post, The Korea Times and other major news outlets. You can view nature photography from her journeys around the world at flickr.com/photos/rachelstinewrites.
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